No one talks about how the last few weeks of pregnancy are so stressful and unpredictable, especially for moms doing this for the first time. Though, I can’t imagine it being any easier for second, third or fourth-time moms either. While it might feel familiar, that feeling of not knowing when or how it’ll happen still lingers.
I was 5 days overdue. All my mommas out there know that seeing your due date come and go is like feeling this relieving sense of accomplishment, only for it to be ripped apart by disappointment when nothing happens. I’d waited for this day for nine months. I’d nested, prepared, but instead was left waiting. It’s a stressful combination of frustration, anger and disappointment.
I thought I knew surrender, but it turns out I hadn’t even begun to scratch the surface. At that point, I began to worry and stress. I constantly asked myself, am I doing this right? Am I doing something wrong? Am I missing something? Is it my fault, somehow? As someone who has been through the thick of it with God, I know to trust God, I really do. But that nagging feeling that there’s something I should be doing and I wasn’t can be extremely overwhelming. Aside from that, everyone’s birthing experience is so different. So, to confide in one person who had a wildly different experience than what I was going through felt irresponsible of me to put myself through.
I remember asking God, what do I need to do? What are you asking of me, Holy Spirit? More faith? More trust? More surrender? I don’t know if I have any more to give. I was at a loss. And what’s more, I felt like I was being mocked or, at the very least, tested beyond my limits.
I can only describe the last two weeks of my pregnancy as an endless rollercoaster that lifted me up and pummeled me down like a rag doll every day. I would start the day so hopeful and expectant, only to be shattered the closer it got to nighttime and nothing would happen. It was disheartening to be asked everyday, “Are you still pregnant?” and me telling them, “Yes, still pregnant but it could be any day now!” while thinking deep inside that it might be later rather than sooner.
I just wanted to hold my baby. I went through so much those nine months so when I finally crossed the finish line and I wasn’t handed the baby I was promised it really took a toll on me. I know that birth is unpredictable and no one can know when things will progress or happen. But still the heart hopes. It builds expectations, leading you to prepare yourself, only to be kept waiting.
Thankfully, I decided a long time ago to align everything in my life to the perfect will of my Heavenly Father. He has never let me down. And though He has tried my faith and pushed me to my limit, I always look back and never really remember the jitters and stress nor the time and place of it all. I just remember how He came through for me, how He was listening to my prayers all along and showed up for me. I know that will be the case for many months, even years from now. I won’t care that Samuel came “x” amount of days late or the stress and anxiety I felt for weeks. Because in the end, God came through and He came through for me.
On the morning of the third day after my due date, I felt so defeated and helpless that the only thing I was able to do at that point was to break down those walls I’d been putting up and get vulnerable and real with my Father. That morning, at 4 am, I made this prayer and I want to share it with you in hopes of giving a little insight into how vulnerability feels and how instantly your mind and heart can shift when you come to God with your messy thoughts and feelings.
“My father, my strength and my peace. I wrap and clothe myself in Your promises. I wait on You to walk in the room of my stress and anxiety. Let Your glory shine today, whether Samuel is born or not. Let Your love abound and Your peace triumph over any principality, over any ounce of doubt, over any fear or anxiety that tries to rob me of my faith, my rest, my peace. I am a daughter of the most High King. There is nothing He will not give me. There is nothing He will not do for me. There is no mountain He will not move to get to me. Even as I declare those truths over myself, I feel immense peace overwhelm me and the pressure lifting off my shoulders. You find me in my tears, You meet me in my anxiety and stress, You encounter me in my mess, but most importantly You love me, despite the fact that I may not be strong enough to handle the unpredictability of birth or the weakness of succumbing to the unknown. But I am not my fear, I am not my anxiety. The enemy has tried and tried to pull me down and make me turn my eyes from You, so that I may become weak and defenseless. But this isn’t about just me anymore. It’s about me and the baby that you entrusted me with. Listening to lies and entertaining the enemy is no longer an option for me. I am here today because the Lord is good, because my Father has held me up to this point, and I will get to the finish line because the Lord is still good and my Father has held me through it all. Even in this time of uncertainty my hearts sings to You. It cries out to encounter You and loves to worship you. Praises forever be on my lips, as they strengthen my core and bring joy and refresh my spirit. I love you, Jesus. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for meeting me in my thoughts, for coming even when I did not call, for comforting me even when I did not want it. You are so precious to me and I never want to take You for granted. I love You endlessly. Amen.”
That same day, I had my appointment with my OB and we scheduled our C-section for that same week. I’ll share my birth story in another post, but I knew that day that God was in my room with me as I prayed and He had gone before me and made a way as I sat in my son’s nursery worshiping Him.
It’s crazy y’all. He’s real and sometimes we miss out on the greatest resource we have at our disposal because we think we can do it better or that we even have the strength and capability to do it ourselves. But God is good and His goodness abounds all around us. It surrounds us and guards us everyday. If that’s not pure love, I don’t know what is.
To all the mommas out there, anxiously waiting at home to hold their babies. It’s okay to feel anxious, it’s even okay to get a little angry and disappointed. My little piece of advice to you is to get vulnerable with your spouse, your sibling, or your mom, anyone you trust with your feelings. And then get real and vulnerable with God. Feel how He moves around you, how He comes to meet you, and expect Him to answer your cries. He’s not afraid of your feelings, He’s not even phased by them. He just wants to draw near to you and feel you rest in His presence. Trust me, it’s the best thing you can do for your overtired, overworked body and tiny baby you’ve been growing in there. Find peace in God and build an expectancy. Challenge God to move on your behalf. He will not disappoint you.
Sending you all lots of encouragement and love!
Marked for Motherhood 